health, stephanie

The car ride that changed it all // Part 4

(Please read Part 3 first)

With this new doctor it felt like all of the times that I dealt will all the other doctors for the first time. We tried new medicine, I got sick and then we changed it. Except this time, the second medicine instantly changed everything in fact I felt almost normal. After another month and a few increases of my medicine I was back to feeling normal.

If I’m feeling okay that means that he was right, that I had anxiety. Which got me to thinking about each time I ever got sick and I realized that every single time I was sick I was anxious before it happened. My anxiety symptoms weren’t cut and dry by the book so I assumed something massive was wrong with me… but why did no doctor notice it? More importantly how did I not notice that this is what my body was doing, I feel like one of those women on “I didn’t know I was pregnant”- how could I not have known?!

I have always been a very shy person, so I just assumed that my anxiety with certain things were because of that, and all those times I snipped and yelled and John or the kids for no reason I just assumed was part of my personality. Maybe my personality made me be very short with the people that I love, maybe it made my overreact and even get very worried over the smallest things.

Looking back it makes me terribly sad that I went through all the pain and missed so very much of my kids growing up because I was unable to interact with them and do the things that I wished I could have done with them. Most importantly I wish I would have know that the anxiety caused me to be snippy and short with them so I could have addressed the problem and been the mom I so dearly wanted to be. I cant change the past and how I acted, rather or not it was any fault of my own. I can only move forward being anxiety free and being the person I want to be.

Now I take a pill at night to prevent anxiety and I have another that I can take if I feel anxious. These pills aren’t like those other ones that made me high and numb to everything around me. These pills stop me from getting anxious and allow me to be the mom I wanted to be. I can take my kids places, and interact with them without dizziness or even getting sick at all. Who knew that a pill or two would change it all…

I have done things that I thought I would never be able to do… travel, drive long distances, smile, live, all because one doctor listened and recognized my symptoms.

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