mission happy, mom, parenting, twitter

The beginning of a new me.

Sad. Alone. Unhappy. Mean. Fake. Selfish.
All words I would use to describe myself.

After writing a post on my other blog, I came to a realization. I am a Debbie Downer, and Im fucking miserable. I will contribute some of it to being just like my mom, and the other to the fact that I lost mom just 4 months ago. But the bottom line is I am incredibly unhappy, and Ive had a hard time coming to terms with saying that… for a long while. Ive always felt the need to “appear” happy. With the exception of my rants on twitter- sorry guys, but thats really not it, I feel a million times worse than I would EVER say. As I was typing the other post I deleted more than half of it, when I noticed that one, Im very unhappy and two, I don’t want people to know.

Then I got to thinking, how is me being completely unhappy and hiding it affecting others around me? Well you could ask John and the kids. Im snappy, and pissy almost nonstop, and by hiding it Im really just making it worse. I need to just get it through my head, that things happen that I cannot control. Its life. I will get sick, and I may not be able to do anything, but its not the end of the world. I may have lost mom, but I know I did every single thing in my power to prevent it, and I wasn’t able to stop it. So move on, don’t forget her, but forgive and hold her memories close (also if she was here and knew how deeply this effected me she would kick my butt). I may be stuck in a city I hate, far away from family. I might as well suck it up and make the best of it, and have fun. Who knows, if I cheer up a little I might find its not that bad. 

Last night John mention something that a friend had posted, along the lines of, “this, that and the other happened, F you 2011”. My first response wasn’t “oh thats terrible”, it was it could have been worse… mine was much worse than that. Thinking back, that was a horrible response. A completely selfish response. Its kind of like the other day I was talking to John, and I realized we haven’t hung out with our friends (now granted theres only a few we have here) in a while, and it seems like people just don’t want to hang out with us anymore. I see why, and I understand it. No one wants to be around a grumpy butt all the time. Realistically no matter the amount of “faking being happy” I do Im pretty confident it still shows.

I feel so deeply alone, and much more since mom passed away. I don’t want to do anything (my health limits this some, but not to this point). I am completely distant to everyone I know. I almost want to just give up. Totally and completely, just walk away from it all. As if anyone would notice right? I guess the word that sums it up would be MISERABLE.

Bottom line? Somethings got to give, and fast, because I feel its spiraling out of control. Fast. I fear if something isn’t changed fast, my relationships with others, and my overall health will greatly be effected. Now this is where Im sure your going “great but why the hell is she making it public like this, to random people she doesn’t even know?”. Ill tell you, because if I put it out there, clear the air, and honestly make myself accountable by telling everyone… because someones bound to check in on me, and I need to be able to say Im doing better, and genuinely be able to say Im happy, or something close to that.

So heres what Im going to do (and you guys better help me hold my self accountable for this- ex: seeing me tweet about downing 15 cookies or just being grumpy, help a sister out). Im going to make a list of things I don’t like about myself, and make a conscious effort to fix or at least improve or change my view on those things. I will NOT be a negative nancy.  I will decrease my cursing (John this ones for you).  I will be nicer,and happier.

 To hold myself to this, Im not waiting until New Years Eve to make this “resolution” mainly because I don’t think I can wait to fix this problem anymore (that and Ive NEVER stuck to a resolution longer than a few days). Im starting it now.

I will be tweeting as @supanerdstef I will be tweeting daily update (as well as on here of course) using the hashtag #missionhappy . I hope that you already are happy in your life, however if you are not (heck even if you are, you can never have enough happiness) please, join me (lord knows I can use the support). Share something that made your day happy. Who knows, you might inspire someone else’s happiness.

**Disclaimer: I want to make it clear that my sadness is not caused directly by my amazing husband, or my three loud kids. They do make me upset sometimes, however it is typically fueled by my general attitude.**

17 thoughts on “The beginning of a new me.

  1. I totally get how you’re feeling. I feel like this sometimes too, definitely more often than I’d like so I’m for sure going to support you on this. Realizing you have issues and trying to better yourself is always a good thing 🙂

    And you can bet your sweet ass I’ll be on you like white on rice if you go all Debbie Downer on Twitter. I’m on there all day, believe me, I’ve got nothing better to do than keep tabs on your attitude. lol

  2. Amen stef!! I deeply appericate you heart felt post and you have my commitment to help in anyway I can. Your not only helping yourself in the but your friends and family too! I love you babe!!!!

  3. Thank you for sharing. I can relate somewhat as my father became very ill this year and I’m just always in a bad mood and angry because of it. I try and pretend I’m not, but I am.

  4. I really like this idea of #missionhappy and should join you! My husband thinks I repress a lot and will one day come unglued. If he only knew… Way to go you!

  5. I really am sorry about your mom, I lost mine last November and I am trying not to be down and miserable but its really hard sometimes. I like the fact that you can beat yourself up and not make it worse, instead I love the attitude you are taking and I think we could all improve ourselves drastically if we followed the #missionhappy idea, I wish you good luck and will be following to see how you do 🙂

    1. Thank you. I haven’t always been this way. Ive always prided myself on being a strong person, somehow my strength turned to a negative thing.

  6. I come from a long line of women who laugh and have fun, but seem most content when they are miserable. It took me a long time to see this. I am now happy, and a lot of it has to do with faith, but it was also my journey as a parent. You’re right, when you’re that unhappy, people notice. It strains relationships with spouses, kids, family, friends. No one wants to be around you (been there, done that.) To get from there to content (happy is an emotion like grief, not here to stay), I did a lot of work on myself. I found at the bottom, that I didn’t really feel I had any value. It kind of set up a “why bother liking myself” thing in my head. This was at the subconscious level, I always talked about how great I was. Now I have value, I know I’m loved and here for a purpose and I *hope* I talk about myself a whole lot less and use actions instead. I think it’s great you’ve made a start, but don’t pressure yourself to do the right thing so much as STEP BACK when you want to yell, throttle, complain, etc., and ask yourself WHY. I starting doing this when my kids were 2 and 6 and I was screaming every morning before daycare. I learned a lot, not all pretty, but necessary to clean out the junk and get to a peaceful place. Have a good journey there, Stephanie, it’s TOTALLY worth it. Your kids and your husband will thank you.

    1. I didn’t notice it until recent… and it was like a brutal awakening. Now when I catch myself doing something negative, I think man, that really looks ugly on me. That in itself should be motivation enough.

  7. I am so very sorry about your mom and I do understand about the lonlieness. In time I hope that you will change your name from Debbie Downer to you again.

    BTW love your disclaimer
    @crazedmom #missionhappy

  8. I am so sorry to hear that you recently lost your Mom. I actually moved out here (to the Sunny Side of the Bridge) because we had a health scare with my Mom and I cannot imagine if we had lost her. I can “hear” the sadness in your post, and I completely understand where that comes from and how it weighs on you. I agree with Gina as well, it can take a LOT of work to get yourself out of the funk and to see your value.

    I have a double whammy chronic illness and when I was first diagnosed I spiraled down into the “why me? No one should be saddled with having to take care of me, I am going to be useless” misery, until I couldn’t even stand hearing myself. It helped kick starting my “I need to fix this” to read on the message boards for my particular illness and seeing all of the people who were so consumed by their illness that nothing was EVER good in their lives. It scared me, because that is so not me and I could see me going down that path. My way back was through counting my blessings and being grateful for them. It sounds simplistic but it can be pretty hard at times. The good thing is, even when you think there is nothing else to be thankful for; you have those beautiful kids and that sweet husband as fall back blessings. It also helps to play the “There but for the Grace of Whomever Goes I” game. We can all find folks, especially in this recession era, who are struggling with their life and are really only one catastrophe from being us. That can always make us thankful. The big truth is; the more you recognize those blessings (both big and small) in your life and the more you give thanks for them, the easier it is to find them. Once you begin to move into that mindset, you will realize that you must be pretty terrific to have all these great people and things in your life.

    On a side note- I do follow you on Twitter (I am CharmedOne1) and I haven’t seen you be grumpy lately at all when I am online, so you must be doing something right in your #missionhappy!

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