Sad. Alone. Unhappy. Mean. Fake. Selfish.
All words I would use to describe myself.
After writing a post on my other blog, I came to a realization. I am a Debbie Downer, and Im fucking miserable. I will contribute some of it to being just like my mom, and the other to the fact that I lost mom just 4 months ago. But the bottom line is I am incredibly unhappy, and Ive had a hard time coming to terms with saying that… for a long while. Ive always felt the need to “appear” happy. With the exception of my rants on twitter- sorry guys, but thats really not it, I feel a million times worse than I would EVER say. As I was typing the other post I deleted more than half of it, when I noticed that one, Im very unhappy and two, I don’t want people to know.
Then I got to thinking, how is me being completely unhappy and hiding it affecting others around me? Well you could ask John and the kids. Im snappy, and pissy almost nonstop, and by hiding it Im really just making it worse. I need to just get it through my head, that things happen that I cannot control. Its life. I will get sick, and I may not be able to do anything, but its not the end of the world. I may have lost mom, but I know I did every single thing in my power to prevent it, and I wasn’t able to stop it. So move on, don’t forget her, but forgive and hold her memories close (also if she was here and knew how deeply this effected me she would kick my butt). I may be stuck in a city I hate, far away from family. I might as well suck it up and make the best of it, and have fun. Who knows, if I cheer up a little I might find its not that bad.
Last night John mention something that a friend had posted, along the lines of, “this, that and the other happened, F you 2011”. My first response wasn’t “oh thats terrible”, it was it could have been worse… mine was much worse than that. Thinking back, that was a horrible response. A completely selfish response. Its kind of like the other day I was talking to John, and I realized we haven’t hung out with our friends (now granted theres only a few we have here) in a while, and it seems like people just don’t want to hang out with us anymore. I see why, and I understand it. No one wants to be around a grumpy butt all the time. Realistically no matter the amount of “faking being happy” I do Im pretty confident it still shows.
I feel so deeply alone, and much more since mom passed away. I don’t want to do anything (my health limits this some, but not to this point). I am completely distant to everyone I know. I almost want to just give up. Totally and completely, just walk away from it all. As if anyone would notice right? I guess the word that sums it up would be MISERABLE.
Bottom line? Somethings got to give, and fast, because I feel its spiraling out of control. Fast. I fear if something isn’t changed fast, my relationships with others, and my overall health will greatly be effected. Now this is where Im sure your going “great but why the hell is she making it public like this, to random people she doesn’t even know?”. Ill tell you, because if I put it out there, clear the air, and honestly make myself accountable by telling everyone… because someones bound to check in on me, and I need to be able to say Im doing better, and genuinely be able to say Im happy, or something close to that.
So heres what Im going to do (and you guys better help me hold my self accountable for this- ex: seeing me tweet about downing 15 cookies or just being grumpy, help a sister out). Im going to make a list of things I don’t like about myself, and make a conscious effort to fix or at least improve or change my view on those things. I will NOT be a negative nancy. I will decrease my cursing (John this ones for you). I will be nicer,and happier.
To hold myself to this, Im not waiting until New Years Eve to make this “resolution” mainly because I don’t think I can wait to fix this problem anymore (that and Ive NEVER stuck to a resolution longer than a few days). Im starting it now.
I will be tweeting as @supanerdstef I will be tweeting daily update (as well as on here of course) using the hashtag #missionhappy . I hope that you already are happy in your life, however if you are not (heck even if you are, you can never have enough happiness) please, join me (lord knows I can use the support). Share something that made your day happy. Who knows, you might inspire someone else’s happiness.
**Disclaimer: I want to make it clear that my sadness is not caused directly by my amazing husband, or my three loud kids. They do make me upset sometimes, however it is typically fueled by my general attitude.**